"Pisces, Prepare to Warp into a Nebula of Nostalgia: Retrograde Motion Ahead!"

"Aquarius, Hold Onto Your Water Jugs! The Universe Is About To Give You A Cosmic Swirly!"

"Brace Yourselves Capricorns, Saturn's Coming Over for Dinner and He's Not Bringing a Casserole!"

"Logical Sagittarius, Prepare for Illogical Romance: Even Klingons Find Love"

"Scorpio: Intergalactic Shenanigans Expected. Might Need a Stargate to Navigate Love Life This Week!"

"Libra: Balancing Act Gone Haywire or just Mercury in Retrograde? Either way, don't drop the soap of cosmic harmony!"

"Virgo, Prepare your Spreadsheets! The Universe Declares a Cosmic Audit!"

"Leo: Time to Roar Out Loud, Unless You're Stuck on a Spaceship with a Xenomorph - Then, Maaaaybe Keep It Down a Bit!"

"Cylon Alert! Cancer, You're About to Enter a Wormhole of Love and Emotion. Hold onto Your Frakkin' Feelings!"

"Double Trouble! Gemini, your stars are in retrograde, prepare for a cosmic two-for-one special!"

"Stubborn as a Bull? Time to Graze on New Pastures, Taurus! Alien Invasion Not Expected."

"Boldly Go Where No Ram Has Gone Before: Aries, Prepare for Cosmic Warp Speed Adventure!"

"Pisces: Prepare to Swim in a Sea of Uncertainty, Just Remember Your Inflatable Duck Ring!"

"Aquarius, Get Ready! Your Stars are Saying 'Hasta La Vista, Baby' to Boredom and 'I'll Be Back' to Excitement!"

"Capricorn, Brace Your Goats! Saturn's Ring Toss is About to Make You Feel Like a Cosmic Pinball!"

"Sagittarius: Brace for Intergalactic Warp Speed! Your Social Life is About to Boldly Go Where No Archer Has Gone Before!"

"Scorpio Forecast: Expect Cosmic Shenanigans as Mars Enters Retrograde, or 'Why Can't Planets Just Use GPS?'"

"Libra, Your Scales Are About to Tilt: Mercury Retrograde Demands You Leave the Couch...And Maybe Save Some Replicants!"

"Great Scott! Virgo, Get Ready to Flux Capacitor Your Life into Overdrive This Month!"

"Leo, Use the Roar! Galactic Shifts Predict a Hair-Raising Week Ahead, May the Furr-ce Be With You!"

"Cancerians, Prepare for Alien Invasions and Intergalactic Crab Dances: Your Horoscope's Outta This World!"

"Double Trouble Gemini: Even an Alien Can't Decode Your Dual Personality This Week!"

"Tea, Earl Grey, Hot: Taurus Prepares for a Brew-tiful Week of Cosmic Surprises, Engage!"

"Brace Yourself, Aries! Mars is in Retrograde and it's Throwing a Cosmic Tantrum Bigger Than a Black Hole's Bad Hair Day!"

"Picasso's Palette, or How the Moon Sidestepped Scorpio and Pulled a Legolas into Sagittarius: A Comedic Cosmic Shuffle!"

"Neptune's Nerd Alert: Pisces, Prepare for a Galactic Rollercoaster of Emotions, Starfish Style!"

"Aliens Called, Aquarius: They Want Their Quirkiness Back - Your Weekly Cosmic Shenanigans Forecast!"

"Capricorns, Prepare for a Galactic Goat Rodeo! Saturn's Rings Aren't Just for Show!"

"Sagittarius, Prepare to Shoot Your Cosmic Arrow...Right into a Black Hole of Existential Crisis!"

"Scorpio, ready your sting! Binary code predicts a cosmic rollercoaster ahead. Beep boop beep!"

"Libra: Scales Tip Towards Awkward Social Interactions, Spontaneous Dance-offs and Unexpected Alien Encounters!"

"RoboCop Reports: Virgo, it's not a malfunction! Stars Align for Spring Cleaning and System Updates!"

"Leo's roaring into star-studded comedy: Uranus plans a surprise party while Mercury RSVPs 'Maybe'!"

"Quantum Quirks Ahead, Cancer! Prepare for a Cosmic Cha-Cha with Your Crabby Constellation!"

"Twins Unite! Mercury's Roller-Skating Backwards & You're Invited to the Cosmic Disco!"

"Starry Forecast for Taurus: Bullish On Love But Bearish On Burritos - Prepare for a Cosmic Rumble!"

"Aries, Prepare to Ram-ble! Mars is in Retrograde, Expect Spontaneous Combustion of Plans!"

Expedition 70 NASA astronaut Loral O'Hara has her Russian Sokol spacesuit pressure checked ahead launching to the International Space Station with fel...

"Pisces, Prepare for Galactic Goof-ups: Neptune's in Retrograde and Forgot Its Space-GPS!"

"Quantum Fluctuations Predict: Aquarius, Your Week Will Have More Twists Than a TARDIS Trip Through a Black Hole!"

"Capricorn, Brace Yourself for a Cosmic Caffeine Rush: Saturn's Rings Are Spinning Faster Than Your Espresso Machine!"

"Probability of Adventure for Sagittarius at 3720 to 1: Galactic Wanderlust Engaged!"

"Scorpio Forecast: Expect a Cosmic Sting in your Tail, but Remember, It's Just the Universe Tickling your Funny Bone!"

"Libra, Brace Yourself for a Cosmic Pogo Stick Ride: It's All About Balance, Baby!"