Immediately after splashdown, a recovery helicopter from the USS Guadalcanal hovers over the Apollo 9 spacecraft. Still inside the Command Module are ...

"Beep-Boop! Pisces, Time to Swim Through Galaxy-sized Mood Swings!"

"Galactic Alert: Aquarius, Prepare for a Cosmic Tug-of-War between Jupiter and Mars, May the Force be in Your Favor!"

"Capricorn, Prepare for an Alien Invasion of Good Vibes and Cosmic Productivity: The Truth is Out There, and it's in Your Horoscope!"

"Sagittarius, Get Your Phaser Set to Stunning: Galactic Love Vibes Incoming!"

"Scorpio, Prepare to be a Bigger Magnet than a Black Hole in a Scrap Yard!"

"Balance Beams, Alien Dreams & Quantum Creams: A Libran Odyssey in the Cosmic Playground!"

"May the Force Be With You, Virgo - But Mostly the Cleaning Force, Because We Both Know Your Room's a Galactic Mess!"

"Roaring with Confidence, Leo is: Gravity of Sun's Charisma, You Cannot Resist, Hmmmm?"

"Tea, Crabs, and Nebulas: Engage Warp Speed for a Star-Studded Cancer Forecast!"

"Gemini, Prepare to Juggle Twin Chaos with Cosmic Composure - and Don't Forget Your Calculator!"

"Stellar Bull Market Ahead: Taurus, Prepare to Charge into an Interstellar Love Affair with Venus's Quirky Cousin!"

"Aries, Your Stars are Aligning to Make Aries Great Again, One Orbit at a Time!"

Expedition 70 Flight Engineers (from left) Jasmin Moghbeli and Loral O'Hara, both NASA astronauts, are pictured inside the International Space Station...

"Bleep-bleep-boop! Pisces, Your Love Life's About to Go Light Speed Ahead!"

"Brace Yourself, Aquarius! Your Stars are Aligning Faster than a Hyperdrive Malfunction!"

"Capricorn, Get Ready to Quantum Leap Your Goatish Ways: It’s Time to Apply String Theory to Your Love Life!"

"Sagittarius, Buckle Up! Your Stars are More Unpredictable than a Sci-Fi Alien Shape-Shifter!"

"Scorpio Forecast: Expect a Cosmic Sting of Unexpected Events, Hold on to Your Asteroids!"

"Libra, Prepare to Balance More Than Scales! Alien Invasion or Just Venus in Retrograde? RoboCop Astrologer Reports!"

"Great stars! Virgo, hold on to your Flux Capacitors - It's going to be a Cosmic 1.21 Gigawatt kind of month!"

"Leo Season: Time to Roar, Purr, and Maybe Knock Over a Few Planetary Vases - All in the Name of Cosmic Glory!"

"Cancer's Forecast: Crabby Mood Swings Inbound, Blame It On The Moon!"

"Galactic Gossip Alert! Mercury's Taking a Backseat, Gemini. Time to Use that Backup Communication Protocol: Smoke Signals!"

"Brace for Impact, Taurus! Mercury's in Retrograde and it Forgot to Use its Turn Signal!"

"Aries Forecast: Expect a Shower of Good Fortune, But Don't Forget Your Babel Fish or Towel!"

"Brace Yourselves, Space Nuggets! The Moon's Ditching Hot-Headed Aries for Chillaxed Taurus - Expect Cosmic Cows Jumping Over Lunar Rainbows!"

The Moon is seen passing in front of the Sun at the point of the maximum of the partial solar eclipse near Banner, Wyoming on Monday, Aug. 21, 2017. A...

"Fishy Pisces, Get Your Gills Ready - Cosmic Chameleon's Got Your Back This Month! Cloaking Device Not Included."

"Prepare Your Spaceships, Aquarius! It's Time to Beam Up Your Love Life, According to the Stars!"

"Capricorn, Prepare to Engage Warp Speed: Your Love Life is About to Boldly Go Where No Goat Has Gone Before!"

"Sagittarius, Prepare for Cosmic Shenanigans! Jupiter's on a Joyride and it Forgot the GPS!"

"Gandalf Dishes Out: Scorpio, You Shall Not Pass...Without Reading This Hilariously Enlightening Astrological Forecast!"

"Libra: Time to Balance Your Scales or Else Gravity Might Get Upset... and Nobody Wants a Grumpy Law of Physics!"

"Virgo Season: Time to Channel Your Inner Hermione Granger, Minus the Evil Wizards and With More Kale Smoothies!"

"Leo, I Suggest a New Strategy: Let the Stars Win! Galactic Forecast Ahead!"

"Cancerians, Brace Yourselves! The Universe has Decided to Play a Game of 'Crab Soccer' with Your Planets!"

"Twins Unite! Gemini, Your Stars Are About to Pull a Quantum Leap: Time-Traveling to Next Tuesday Not Included!"

"Galactic Bull Market Alert: Taurus Set to Charge Through the Cosmos, Spoilers!"

"Aries, Buckle Up! Mars is Doing the Cha-Cha and It's About to Shake Your Frakkin' Universe!"

"Venus Ditches Aquarius's Futuristic Condo for Pisces's Beachfront Bungalow: 'Beaming Up' Takes on a Whole New Meaning!"

"Spacetime Surfin' Pisces: Prepare for a Cosmic Wave of Love, Laughter, and Maybe a Few Alien Abductions!"